I had this spark of passion & motivation for my work that you could feel from a mile away. I was convinced it would never fade because “this is just how it feels to be on purpose”.
But this joy ride came to a sudden halt about a year & a half ago.
I started dreading work & feeling like I just wanted to run away from it all.
The things I always loved seemed to not matter anymore.
I honestly had no idea what I was doing or what I wanted. Leading team meetings was like driving in a blinding snow storm. I could feel the energy sucking from my team.
Slowly, we started making less. It became just about staying afloat.
“Oh we need an extra $1000 for expenses this month, lets just make that”.
It would have been SO much easier had I just sucked it up and did the work that I knew how to do, but I was done.
Many mentors told me “you are so close to freedom” and I could see what they were saying but I had already shut off. Things were falling apart around me but I didn’t care.
I would float between feelings of panic of letting success fade away, creating various dramatic endings to this situation & then I would switch to feeling totally emotionless.
I had nothing left to give.
I would randomly get a day or two burst of motivation & would rally the team, layout the plan, & within a few days the energy would die… along with the plans.
It took almost a year for me to recognize this was burnout & even longer for me to accept how bad it was.
I certainly never expected recovery to take this long.
What was the cause of this?
The cause of anything is always complex but in short I was in masculine overdrive & disconnected from my feminine power which made everything hard and no fun.
I was avoiding the one area of my life where I felt the most empty (sex & relationships) & it was starting to take down all the other areas of my life (after all, how was it ever going to get my attention).
Here are a 7 embarrassing & common patterns I was playing out that are the result of past trauma, disconnecting from my feminine, & not fueling myself with intimacy and pleasure:
(You know that saying “she needs to get laid”…while I hate to admit it was true!)
1. I wanted to be liked so badly (which resulted in no boundaries)
My work became about keeping people happy & not rocking the boat. This showed up like, me letting clients pay for as long as they wanted or not holding up their commitments, bending my own policies, giving my time away, being scared to talk about the things I wanted to because people might see me differently, & the list goes ON!
You can only cross your own boundaries so many times because you no longer trust yourself. When we do this we don’t feel powerful, in control, & we build resentment.
The deeper story was wanting to be loved & wanting connection…but I was willing to hurt myself over & over again to get it (an old childhood pattern & last of self connection)
2. I took EVERYTHING personally
If someone did not sign up to work with me, if they cancelled, if they did not get the result they wanted, everything was on my shoulders. FUCK, if they went through a hard time while they were working with me I felt like it was my responsibility.
I knew at a logical level that I was responsible for me & what people do is not related to me or my self work. But that didn’t matter at the emotional level.
The deeper story was I felt like I made (or manipulated) the boy who sexually abused me do it & that it was my responsibility, which caused me to generalize in my life & think everything was my fault or responsibility (take about having the world on your shoulders).
3. I put suffocating pressure on myself
As if my business growth somehow was connected to my self worth & if it didn’t grow quickly enough was I really as talented as I thought I was. I forced myself to work hard & called it motivation. My self worth was tangled in how much I could DO or ACHIEVE.
The deeper story was that I was disconnected from my innate power & from the fact that I was worthy and talented if I never made a dollar. I also believed for many years that growing my business was in some way going to heal my relationship, if we had more money or more time together this pain would go away. So I pushed hard until I burnt out…hard.
4. I think I should be further along than I am
So I used to much fancy expensive technology without the team actually use them so basically paying for things we were hardly using. I would starting projects because one was finished because I would see what someone else was doing, business progression was not happening in the right order so nothing really gets accomplished. I spent more and more time looking at what other people were doing then staying in my lane.
The deeper story is not being able to be present or in the moment. I was always living in my head…no wonder I couldn’t get turned on, I was disconnected from the now. I learned to live in my head & escape the moment and my body at a very early age with abuse.
5. I wanted to breastfeed my clients (I couldn’t say no)
I opened myself up to supporting clients with issues that were outside of what they invested for. Sometimes even giving away significant 1-1 time because again I felt like it was my responsibility. It was SUPER unclear when my support of a client ended so I had hundred of clients I still felt like I owed my mind & heart too even though their investment & promise was WAY over. I couldn’t “wean” them even when the balance of give & take was way off.
The deeper story is I struggle to hold boundaries & say no. I do things for other people even when they hurt me & once I initiate something, I felt like I couldn’t say no. Again, a total disconnect from my feminine power, the roots of abuse, & totally draining what I have to give so I would have nothing to give to my partner at the end of the day.
6. I needed to control everything
I think most of us are pretty familiar with this habit.
The deeper story is my ability to trust, allow, & receive life was non-existent. Living in our feminine power teaches us these things. How could I possibility allow my partner to give me pleasure or to trust him with my body. Nothing kills connection more than trying to control & force life.
7. I felt guilty for my success
I started feeling bad for making great money & having a thriving business. I attempted to allow (& pay for) every person on my team & in my family to enjoy the same extras in life as me…I was not only NOT in a financial place to do this but it was coming from the wrong place. I struggled to let myself be supported, who was I to have a team. I could not give jobs away to team members because if I didn’t want to do them, I felt bad giving them to them. This was a messy one…
The deeper story is that everything was coming to easy & fast…and I had to make it hard. I was not deserving of easy. I actually believed that I was a bad person & could not hand life showing me other wise. I was unable to see myself as the queen I am. Again, childhood shit & lack of feminine power.
WHERE DOES THIS LEAVE YOU?
Each one of these is so intricate & complex with deep roots. You may have some of these tendencies but your deeper story could be different. In fact, you have a whole bunch of unique “deeper stories” that are running the show right now in your life.
I understood & taught the logic…like you cant be liked by everyone, taking things personally is a waste of time, you are not in charge of peoples results, your business does not reflect your self worth, be present with where you are at, & if you don’t respect your time no one will…BLAH BLAH BLAH
EMOTIONALLY THE DEEPER STORIES WERE TAKING OVER…this is far past logic or any motivational one liners. Untangling these is a journey of getting real about where these patterns come from, deepening your relationship with yourself, & what makes you vulnerable.
MY GIFT FOR YOU to get clear on what stories are running (& maybe ruining) your life:
This kit is a guide & daily audio to understand and train yourself to be in your power, take control of your life, & develop a positive relationship with yourself. You can access it for free here!
You will learn:
• Why the heck you do what you do & feel the way you feel (& the key to changing it)
• How to create a vision for your life & get your mind working with you (vs. against you) to bring it to reality.
• & How to stop yourself from creating more struggle & challenges (it is time to live with more ease)
Grab it here & of course share this link with your friends!
I would LOVE to hear from you in the comments below,
Do you fall into any of these patterns? (in life or work)
Maybe you have never considered WHY you do it…or maybe you have.
Either way, let me know your experience in the comments.
MAKE IT A GREAT DAY,